A Year Gone By

Let me begin with folded hands and express how truly blessed I feel with you all. I am here today because of you. My heart is full of gratitude, with your support. I was reluctant and skeptical, all of last year when I began MoodyMo.

Having gotten used to always failing and never being able to follow any project to its end. I lost interest midway because household responsibilities had a way of showing up every time. I needed the discipline to surge ahead. The lull of monotony was an easier tune to follow.

It was easier to cry into my pillow and recall the past glory of winning and consoling myself that whatever happens and has happened was for the best in life. I had numerous friends tell me what a charmed life I had. They were blind to where and how I had gotten there. I felt debilitated of being in a crowd full of people, happy only on the surface. I was crying inside because I felt a deep sense of loneliness amongst the crowd. The past few years had taken its toll on me.

I met people to overcome my boredom yet I was left more lonely. Most were cruel, quick to judge and it was always about winning an argument in most get-togethers. My old trusted, rusty friends told me: hey why don’t you write? We still have your notes from college and school. I was always procrastinating their good advice. After all, it was easier to drink on a Saturday evening to dull the ache and get over the hangover on Sunday. The week would somehow pass with a lunch thrown in between and sometimes a film or a coffee. Yet, I was alone in the midst of it all.

I can’t remember that moment of epiphany. But looking back and to pin it to this journey. I thank my dear foes for releasing me from their complex hatred and resentment. I nurtured anger all of last year, reasoning and reminiscing. Recalling the utter meanness and the humiliation I faced from close relationships. Because only the people you love, are the ones with the ability to hurt you the most.

And my vulnerability of being lonely, I allowed that behaviour towards me. Like most of us, we reason with our loved ones when they make us feel lesser. It was okay to be insulted. After all, it’s easier to hear our flaws being pointed out loud because we are not used to being lauded loudly. Conditioning tells us to be modest always.

I felt fat, sad and extremely lonely. The loud whisper became a crescendo inside my heart. It said to express and bleed with ink.

It was one noon that Karma knocked on my door. My blog inspiration walked into my life and said give me time. I will help you and you do nothing. Just write as much as you can. I was sure I was wasting his time and with all honesty told him. I won’t succeed. He said honesty never fails ever. Technology is surging ahead and people would read you on their phones and computers. But an honest read will always be treasured.

My closest people broke me in ways more than one. But I realise I am too tough to be taken down. That angered them more. They saw their insecurities in me.

I thank all the people who left me when I was unwell, heartbroken, insecure. I hope they never return because that journey is over.

This new journey is about you and me. You have helped me reach here. To all my readers and followers, a big thank you. You have healed me without meeting me. We only met with our words and mid-sentence I stopped to sigh when I saw a “like” or a “heart emoticon” on my story.

2018 was a year of change and a realization that pain, unhappiness, love, ugly and beautiful is transient.

MoodyMo is nothing without you. Thank you. Wishing you a fantastic 2019.

 

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